So here’s a movie with an interesting premise (a dude learns he can teleport), based on an interesting novel, and with all sorts of big-name stars, and good special effects. I have now enumerated all the positive qualities of the movie.

Here are the bad things that absolutely kill it:

  1. Our hero is a bank-robbing, amoral jerk who thinks only of himself. Early in the movie, there’s a scene where he’s watching on TV a bunch of people trapped on car in the middle of a flood-swollen river while the TV announcer says “There’s no way for rescue vehicles to reach them… it would take a miracle for them to survive.” And we know where that’s going, right? He’s going to jump in and become a motherfucking superhero, right?

    No. He goes surfing. Those people are never seen again and presumably die. Later, he drives through Tokyo in a way that he’s causing all sorts of accidents, just on a thrill-ride lark. He and his buddy hole up in their lair, stealing things and causing trouble, and staying out of the way of their powerful nemeses. You know what people like that are called? Supervillains. But the movie insists that we should think of them as heroes, completely implausibly and ridiculously. Srsly, Christensen is a more sympathetic protagonist as Darth Vader.

  2. The central romance is horrific. Again, Christensen as Darth Vader had a more convincing and uncreepy relationship with Amidala, and that is saying an awful lot. Basically, he lets the girl that he “loves” think he’s dead for eight years, then he swoops in and lies to her about his life, whisks her off to Rome, gets her in trouble with the law, nearly gets her killed, and all without ever once explaining anything to her in a way that is not a complete lie. Of course, she ends up in love with him at the end due to the machinations of screenwriting, but this is pretty much as abusive as a relationship can get without actual beatings.

  3. Scenes that make no sense in internal movie logic. Like, let’s say that you are trapped in a room with Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, the first thing wrong with this is that “trapped in a room” is a nonsensical notion for a teleporter. Moving on, though, you’re “trapped” in the room, hiding behind a pillar. He and his dudes are all lurking around stealthily and hunting you. Now, as you’re idly looking at the wall, you notice a photograph of your mother. What do you do? If you’re Hayden, you step forward into the open, and say in a normal tone of voice, “Mom!” Because you saw a photograph of her. Hanging on the wall. While you are being hunted by lethal dudes. This, of course, gets you shot and captured, and good.

Man, what a bad movie. Read the fairly enjoyable book, but do not see this shitty movie.