Here’s what I thought this movie was: There’s a seedy bad-ass bar, and Patrick Swayze comes in to clean it up, and kicks a lot of ass in punchfights and knifefights.

Here’s what this movie actually is: That, except then there’s an insane villain who wants to kill everyone to boost the profit margins in his JC Penney’s (connection: unclear), and he BLOWS UP multiple houses and runs over a car dealership with a monster truck, and flat out kills dudes, and then a young, weirdly handsome Sam Elliott comes along, and Patrick Swayze rips a dude’s throat out with his bare hands, no shit and then a bunch of people die in a climactic bloody battle for no obvious reason, and hey, the bar’s all cleaned up!

ALSO, my god were ’80s movies super-porny. Apparently HBO hadn’t sewn that market up back then.