So my wife put this Hulu movie on randomly, and it’s like this ’90s “erotic” (sic) thriller with Willem Dafoe and Madonna, and first of all, you cannot have anything involving Willem Dafoe and the word “erotic,” because just like what, no, jesus christ.

But so the sexy side of the movie is super-weird, because it’s a movie from 1992, and it is really clear that 1992 is before the Internet. Because so a whole big shocking thing in the movie is that there’s this relationship that involves like light bondage, and everyone in the movie thinks it is borderline terrifying, a perversion utterly beyond the pale, and man, y’all are about to have your minds blown when you get that 28.8 dialup. I bet you never even thought about tentacles sexually, did you? (Also of course, it’s like a super-problematic representation of BDSM because nobody in it is even giving the slightest shit about consent whatsoever, and yeah.)

But really, re the movie’s putative eroticism, you can almost even ignore all that and just go back to “Willem Dafoe” and notice how your mind recoils from the very concept, and nothing on-screen will change your mind in the slightest.

So then there’s the extent to which it’s a thriller, which is: It’s basically a mediocre Law & Order episode. It’s one of those court cases where even by TV court standards none of it makes sense (like, the prosecuting attorney is also the cop investigating the case?!?), and there are all kinds of improbable coincidences all over the place, and the twists and turns and double reverses barely make sense in the moment, never mind after the fact, and in the end, it’s just stupid.

Also, beyond any of that, the movie is sloppy as hell, with whole scenes that don’t go anywhere, relationship beats that seem to have been dropped on the editing room floor, and just piles of clunkiness all around.

This is not a good movie.