So I’d read a lot of praise for this movie, despite it being a Michael Bay movie. Now that I’ve seen it, I have to say… wow, I think critics are just really desperate for anything that’s not a Marvel movie.

Because the thing is, it’s… a Michael Bay movie. The camera is moving at all times, interrupted only by a cut every few seconds, just pure hyper-kinetic constant motion. The plot is similarly in constant motion, with everyone shouting all the time, and following an ambulance whose drivers refuse to ever stop for anything as if they were in Speed.

Which is not intrinsically bad, but like… all the characters are stock archetypes, all the plot is predictable from a mile away, and there’s really just nothing here besides the pure, nonstop action. I suspect that some of the appeal is that Bay apparently is doing a lot of “real” stunts rather than CG (the credits are weirdly short, without the 45 minutes of effects-house personnel that I’ve come to take for granted on modern big-budget movies). And that’s cool and all, but like… idk, I can only get so excited about a car crash full of explosions, you know? Been there, done that, so very many times before.

The other thing I’ve seen praised about it is that it’s a giant love letter to LA, apparently taking in its geography and memorializing it and so forth. Idk, maybe, and I can imagine that in 20-30 years, this will end up as a “Letters From Home” type thing that’s a fascinating period piece; but here and now, as a non-Los-Angelite, it just didn’t feel particularly interesting or exciting.

Recommended to fans of Michael Bay, but are any actually reading this?