There’s not much to say about this movie. It exists. It references every single moment from every single Mario-adjacent property. Every musical cue, every line of dialogue, every sound effect, every creature, every location, every tie-in game, every game mechanic. If it’s in a Mario game, it’s in this movie (EXCEPT WARIO AND WALUIGI, who we were 95% sure would show up for a post-credits stinger, but no).

And… you’re now picturing this movie in your head with pretty strong accuracy. There’s no need to talk about the plot (such as it is) or the character arcs (which don’t exist) or anything else. It’s a movie that is designed to make you say “hey, I know that thing!” about 5000 times in a row, and then leave the theater content that you saw the things you knew.

There is one redeeming element to this movie, which is a little blue star from a Mario game I haven’t played (“Lumalee” apparently), who is a cheerful nihilist, and actually made me laugh with something that — unlike literally everything else in this movie — surprised me. Probably if I’d played Galaxy, I would have been familiar with this character; this doesn’t seem like a movie that would randomly add in one original thing.

This movie is a crime against art, and nobody should watch it. I feel genuinely bad that I did. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.